Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I came so hard my ears popped.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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