I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
