maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
