There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
