I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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