I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
