recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
