best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
