God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
