she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
