He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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