Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
