New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
