I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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