Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
