good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
