you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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