I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
