She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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