I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
