well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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