"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize