I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
