i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
