Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
