So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
