I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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