oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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