then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
