I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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