and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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