is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
