ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
