i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
