my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
