Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
