i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
