He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
