i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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