You smell like a Billy Joel song
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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