You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
