Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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