You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
