Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
