Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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