there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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