Umm I'm too high to move.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
