Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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