I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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