I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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