Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
