he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
