My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
