so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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