You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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