I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
